Harry Potter and the Entitled Jocks


R. Skeeter, Special Correspondent

On 14 Sept during his sixth and final year of schooling, soon-to-be-dropout Harry Potter was named Quidditch Captain (for his previous successes against people who weren’t gifted the best brooms by partial teachers) and held tryouts to fill the rest of the team.

After picking his eventual wife Ginny Weasley and a host of other players, Potter turned his attention to the keepers.  The top two candidates were his best friend Ronald Weasley and the obviously much more talented, albeit supremely annoying, Cormac McLaggen.

After making many spectacular saves, McLaggen was, Potter suspected-and rightly so, subjected to a very unsporting confundus charm by the know it all and moral high-horse Hermione Granger, Weasley’s future wife.  The use of a confundus charm in sporting events is obviously illegal and Granger should have been punished for it, but worse than that, Potter was complicit in the crime after the fact.  How he managed to remain in his position as Captain is likely to be chalked up to even more overt partiality shown to Potter by the staff.

In the end, the Chosen-Boy-Who-Lived chose his mate Ron Weasley to keep for the team owing to the fact that no one used illegal magic on him during his portion of the tryouts.

If only there were some teacher in the school who could see through the fame and tell who Potter truly is at his core, then he would likely not be able to finish the season eligible to compete.  Being Dumbledore’s favorite certainly has paid off for the young athlete with an expensive broom and disregard for the rules.